Why Your Team Sucks 2. Houston Texans. Some people are fans of the Houston Texans.

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But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Before we begin, a letter: Daniel: I’m a lifelong Houston resident. Even failed to escape this city for college. I have been through the ringer the last few days, but luckily did not get flooded out.

I have many friends and family that are not as lucky. The mental and emotional toll has been exhausting. Imagine huddling in a closet with your wife, 2 year old, and six week old baby repeatedly due to tornado warnings, hoping that if one did hit you wouldn’t be trapped under rubble while the floodwaters drowned you and everyone you loved.

The reason I’m writing about this is because on probably our 4th or 5th trip to the “safety closet”, I had a strange thought - DREW BETTER NOT PULL ANY PUNCHES ON THE WYTS FOR THE TEXANS!!!!!! Do not edit ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD! I look forward to this every single year, and all I want to do right now is sit on the shitter for 1. Texans are and all the ways this city that I love so much sucks. You got it, Daniel.

We spent a lot of time figuring out how to do this preview given current events (please donate if you can), and decided the best way to honor a city full of tough, resilient people is to remind them how shitty the Texans are. If you guys can survive David Carr, you can survive anything. So let’s proceed. This one’s for you, Houston.

Your team: Houston Texans. I know I belabor it every year, but God that nickname… every time I hear “Houston Texans,” the dumber it sounds. Why even HAVE a football team if you’re gonna name it that, huh? Hey, we got a football team back! What do we name it? Eh, let’s just name it the Texans. Whatever. Who gives a fuck.” And they aren’t even the first NFL team to be named the Texans!

I can’t get over it. This is worse than when David Duchovny named his kid Kyd. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7. The Texans won the NFL’s jayvee division for the second straight year while having a - 4. Everything good that happened to them happened due to spiritual forfeit by the opposition. Stay the fuck out of my playoffs forever, Texans. I’d rather have the Bengals back in the postseason than watch you monkeyfart your way into the divisional round with a leper at quarterback.

By the way, the Texans were favored on the road against the Pats last season because the Pats were down to their third- string QB. The Texans lost that game 2. And yet.. LOL, sure they do kiddo.

Sure they do. Your coach: Offensive guru and angry dad Bill O’Brien. Imagine Bill O’Brien smiling. Or dancing. Or laughing.

Imagine him expressing any semblance of mirth. YOU CAN’T. Every last trace of happiness within that man disappeared into his chinbutt. This man has been gifted De. Andre Hopkins and other fine skill position players and still can’t manage to coach a QB worth a shit.

And yet he’s by far the most capable man in Texans upper management. Remember when they were rumors about the team firing O’Brien or maybe even trading him? That was odd. Your quarterback: The immortal Tom Savage. I [am] ready to be the guy.” Oh, I bet you are.

Yes, the Texans are gonna go through the whole charade of playing a vanilla ice cream cone for a few games before finally relenting and letting stud rookie Deshaun Watson do his thing. Frankly, I’d buy into Watson as a future Pro Bowler if he played for pretty much any other team. But the Texans? They’re QB poison. The best QB in team history is Matt Schaub, for shit’s sake.

If Watson really did get outplayed by Savage in camp, that’s not a great sign. Of course, the whole reason the Texans find themselves with yet another stiff manning the offense for them is because they had to give up a second rounder just to be rid of the LAST stiff, whom they wildly overpaid: Keep in mind that the GM who brought in Brock Osweiler is still there, despite the fact that Osweiler played horribly, feuded with the coaching staff, got heckled with a laser pointer, saw his benching greeted with cheers, cost them a valuable pick, set records for futility, and may not even make it out of Browns training camp without getting his ass cut. The contract Rick Smith gave Osweiler will still take up $1. By the time Watson is ready to play, the rest of this roster will be decimated. Will this cost Smith his job? Was team owner and “villain on The O. The Natural Movie Watch Online here. C.” Bob Mc. Nair appropriately angry about Osweiler’s failure last year?“Now we have three good quarterbacks and we are proud of all of them.” What an idiot.

What’s new that sucks: Folks, after being overly aggressive in his rehab and missing virtually all of last season, I have astonishing news: JJ Watt may, in fact, be BETTER THAN EVER. There you have it! Straight from the Ministry of Wow and the Secretary of Heavens To Betsy!

JJ is gonna sack MORE QBs and then get up and act even MORE like Peter Greene when he puts on The Mask for the first time. Well, I am skeptical. This team doesn’t even have Vince Wilfork around anymore (he retired via charcoal ad) to tie up blockers. TALK ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF JEEZ- ALOO!!!

Maybe someday Jadeveon Clowney and JJ Watt will actually be healthy at the same time for more than two games. You will never get me to watch this team voluntarily. Elsewhere, you can already see the Texans beginning to fall apart. Duane Brown is still holding out. Their other offensive tackle pulled a Wendell Davis and tore up both knees on a single play last year. Defensive backs Quintin Demps and A.

J. Bouye are gone. Lamar Miller is still aggressively average. Will Fuller shattered his collarbone. They haven’t had a decent tight end since Owen Daniels.

I swear to god if the other pud teams in this division can’t find a way to overtake these bozos, I will personally poke them all in the eyes. James Harden ate shit in the playoffs and got $2. What has always sucked: Hurricanes. Go here to learn more about how and where you can help the people of Houston.

Normally, this is the part where we goof on the NFL team’s city as a whole. But yeah, I think we’ll go ahead and skip doing that for Houston this year. I will tell you that in the original draft of this post (written way before the storm), we had a joke about how Houston was nothing but mattress stores. Well lo and behold: Mattress Mack is nothing to fuck with, America. We love you, Houston.

Did you know? Watt also started his own flood relief fund. You can donate here.